16 October, Thursday

 

3:38 h I ate beans, rice, a couple of eggs, plenty of raw onion and garlic and quesadillas. Yesterday morning, I cooked a big amount of potatoes (weight), boiled them in water to eat with salt grain, onion and garlic with quesadillas.

I will not eat meat this week, beef or any other. Eating big amounts of carbohydrate could give my body the nourishment needed, for my muscles could be empty of glycogen. These days I have drunk coffee with bread, bananas and pieces of “piloncillo”. I believe this blend could help.

I pedaled on my AluBike bicycle (aluminum frame, very heavy) over rollers. I had covered 10 km (6.25 miles), suddenly the rubber band broke. I was forced to end the training session, I did strength exercises (pushups and dumbbells exercise).

The final reading (after covering only 10 km) was 5811 km (odometer function in my cyclo-computer). I turned 58 years old on 27 April 2022. Eight months before, in August 2021, I had been fired in a pharmaceutical company where I worked as English – Spanish translator. I refused to accept being job harassed by a malignant narcissist —a psychopath— and because of that I lost a job that I had performed well (I was considered brilliant).

Fifty-eight times one hundred (distance in km covered using that very heavy bicycle), 58 years old. My life had become a nightmare once more. Post-traumatic stress.

AVEX Electronics became a corpse sometime after I resigned because a megalomaniac “friend” (my boss) harassed me in January 1998. I was 34 years old, my life fell into an abyss; somehow I survived.

Productos Maver should also become a corpse. That would be fair. Cadáver is the word in my mother tongue. Spanish.

“Is that possible?”

“I don’t know”

“Will I ever know?”

“Maybe, if I live a few years more”

I am in good health, in spite of being underweight. 132 pounds, being 5’10’’. Is there a reason to believe that I could die soon? I don’t know, nor do I care. Not much, anyway.

 

I am going to read one or two chapters of Agnes Grey, by Anne Brontë. I’ll go to walk with my pup, lovely female dog. Her name is Clara, cutie.

 

4:15 h Today, 16 October, Thursday, I must write a letter to my sister and a letter to my mum.

I should mention that I’ve eaten a lot of potatoes. I eat rice and beans every day, with a couple of eggs (as I mentioned above) and I’ve come to realize that I can recover from exhaustion (physical burn out) eating big amounts of carbohydrate. I’ll tell them too that this week I will not eat any kind of meat and I’ll eat more fruit, high content of fructose, a nutritious sugar.

Healing is near. Life is giving me back what evil individuals intended to snatch from me.

What will happen to antagonists, foes, enemies?

I don’t know, nor do I care. They are somewhere, but do not exist to me. I live in the present and intend to look forward. The past is experience, I have learnt.

15 October, Wednesday

 

2:30 h Bitterness. That is the word which defines the mood which rules my life. It is overwhelming.

I must write

Writing can lead me to healing

I hate my mother. She has been away for three months. I wouldn’t want her to come back, ever. At the same time, those feelings make me feel bad. She has suffered because she knows how badly she hurt me, she knows how badly she hurt Veronica —my kid sister. Rest in peace.

My mother could not have possibly avoid doing that.

 

Fiction writing. Tales, a novel

Narcissism. Cowardliness. Mental weakness. Vital powerlessness. Those should be the elements which I must describe in the narrative, traits who antagonists of the main character exhibit and have become their motivation to attack him.

 

Antagonists and their unescapable fate

My mother and my sister Yolanda keep silent. There’s a kind of hush

Antagonists, foes, enemies, are facing destruction. They are not going to survive.

My father was a malignant narcissist, a psychopath. He perceived in himself extreme filth. Because of that, he suffered an excruciating psychic pain and projected that dirt in other people. He did that to me.

People with strong destructive tendencies felt powerfully attracted to him. He was deeply incestuous, nechrophiliac and narcissistic. Kind of monster.

I felt repelled by him

My father tortured me. He wanted me to commit suicide. He did not succeed and by failing, he destroyed himself. Other antagonists —malignant narcissists— and people who hurt me badly, follow my father’s path. They are dead already. Those who are still alive, want to die. Quit living means the end of suffering, there is no other way to escape; except for psychosis.

 

Truth

Most people are unable to face, accept truth. Many people find truth terrifying.

Denial is a defense mechanism.

My mother’s childhood and adolescence were a nightmare, to say the least. Her parents were cruel, ruthless torturers. Being a teenager, she left. Being a young woman —shortly after getting married— she met her parents and siblings and kept in contact with them. That destroyed all probability to heal her very deteriorated mental health.

My father blamed his father for his mother’s early death. He said that his father was cruel, beat him ruthlessly, like the sadist he was. I couldn’t ever know if that is true, but I do know that my father had an incestuous character. He would have wanted to have sexual intercourse with his mother, who died when he was 13 or 14 years old. Because of that, he was not able to satisfy his incestuous sexual desire. That also could be the reason why he hated his father, for he had sexual intercourse with that woman; hundreds of times.

My parent’s had four children. A son (me) and three daughters, which he considered his harem.

 

Sadness

I feel so sad. Suddenly I realize that I have hurt my mother badly, for a very long time.

I’ve lived hating my father for no less than 35 years, maybe more. It has been right to hate him, or at least it was right at the beginning and for a number of years, because that gave me the mental strength (determination) and the energy to avoid becoming a man like him, although I was not aware of that; such motivation was unconscious.

I succeed. I am not like him and will never be a repulsive malignant narcissist, nor sexually depraved, incestuous, nechrophiliac being whose image projects his absolute decomposition; impossible to revert, which involves a repulsive appearance.

Because of that, I beat that monster, I do not need hatred anymore. I cannot forgive him.

The aim must be to get rid of hatred. Feel nothing, nothing that is not indifference.