Written a few minutes after midnight, when Thursday began.
Yesterday was a good day. I slept during the morning
hours, I woke up during the afternoon (maybe at 16 hours), I drank a couple of
coffee mugs and cooked oatmeal to eat later with papaya and peanuts.
I went to a small supermarket, I bought more papaya,
melon, rice and a piece of soap to use in my washbasin.
Once back in my house, I watched a newscast in
YouTube. I didn’t feel fine, because I had not done anything. I went to my
bedroom and took measurements of the table I use as a desk, I went down, took a
saw and cut the base of an individual bed some neighbors discarded, although it
was in very good condition. In fact, seemed to be new. I did that (cut the base
of a single bed) in the area of my house which used to be the dining room, I
took the useful parts to my bedroom and placed them as the base of my
table-desk. It worked, because before that it was too high, about an inch and a
quarter higher than the right height. Because of that, I found difficult to
read books, write in a notebook, study as self-taught (teach myself), etc. Most
time I didn’t do much; sometimes I didn’t do anything at all.
This immobility (be unable to do much) is probably the
most problematic symptom of the very bad neurosis I suffer from; a personality
disorder, borderline (BPD).
Now I will be able to spend time studying (teaching
myself), writing and translating from English into Spanish; realizing my potential.
Bedbugs in this modified desk, which came from my bed,
because I put there the flat piece of wood which is put horizontally as
table-desk. Some bedbugs are very small; others are conventional size.
Why? Where did they come from?
In the next paragraphs, I will use Sigmund Freud’s
terminology he used to define the structure of personality.
My ID conceives the idea that those small hematophagous
insects represent (symbolically) those antagonists who were my coworkers in
that electronics maquiladora where I worked for two and a half months (between
17 November 1997 and 30 January 1998; I resigned on 2 February, a Monday),
nearly 29 years ago. AVEX Electronics de M.
Those antagonists (we belonged to the Engineering
Department, where David was the manager, that Megalomaniac Scoundrel), detested
me (except two of them, Xicoténcatl and Martín) or hated me. Like David, the
image I projected, my very solid academic training (despite having been unable
of finishing a major in electronics engineering) and my command of a foreign
language (English), made them feel inadequate, (mentally) weak and because of
that they were very jealous, something they would not be willing to hide, much
less to delete.
Do they die in real life, independently of where they
are, or do they die in my Psyque and I am able to accept the fact that those emasculated
mice (eunuch rodents) have become part of the story of my life, which now I am
able to assimilate and because of that, what they did cannot affect me anymore?
Were this the case, the ID would be deleted and it
would be substituted by the EGO, which allows me to quit living an active life
of fantasy, and because of that, a mental pathology withers; a very bad
neurosis, a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
I don’t have an answer for that question, and I
shouldn’t worry about that. I know I soon will know.
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